Christmas was always a tug of war, I sat on the winning side of the parent who was strongest or maybe the weakest?
Perfect presents bought and hid ahead of time in the big old wardrobe with matching key from the wardrobe across the room, sat for once in the front room (the best) with wood panelling and the fire crackling and spitting. I loved that fireplace a curved fifties style, all Betty Grable ,pale tiled and glamorous so removed from the plainness of the back kitchen with its working stove and cow shed sink.
Christmas eve verged on illness brought on by a bubbling excitment that made my complexion more translucent than normal and Dad making up for lack of normality and allowing the ultimate sin, sleeping on the couch to see if I could glimpse him coming... intricate games not unnoticed by one of such early years, those fairy dusted memories linger even now.
Long ago christmas images tumble around in my mind as I listen to the washing drying next door and I remember dismantling decorations off the tree, ( that was always real and very tall and decorated with rainbow coloured chinese lanterns) to make a fairytale carriage drawn by a knight from the chess board as the steed.
The larder in the back kitchen bursting with apple pies, breads, and home baked cakes pillaged from Auntie Edna's bakery.
I wonder what she did on Christmas Eve? Christmas morning? was she sad or glad? was she even allowed to come? these questions only asked now and never being able to know the answers I sit here and wonder at the sadness that this time can bring. I like to think that she did as I do now and let go of the ones you love the most to see them happy isn't that what being a mum is all about?
"Sweet dreams that leave your worries behind you" plays on the retro radio and Christmas feels the same as it used to, a myriad of thoughts and excitement and the house piled with food. We may be watching Xbox or 3D TV, sending snapchats, or tweeting and forcing reluctant teenagers out of their bedrooms to join in and be merry but Christmas arrives on cue with all of our expectations playing out old traditions and starting new ones and sometimes pausing to remember the times of Christmas pasts.
