It wasn't a doctor I needed it wasn't counselling it wasn't sympathy from well meaning friends or strangers, I needed salvation.
My first meeting was at the Chapel it was a typical uninspiring building a maze of rooms with that same smell that pervades in every church hall a little like the school dinner smell, you know it but its impossible to describe. I sat calm and not smug but confident yes here I am my names Sue I'm here to support my son, still being the perfect mum.
The hall was made over with the literature of the current hire group of the day but pushed in between was the local notices of volunteer and brownie group requests. There is a friendly welcoming atmosphere where I at once felt comfortable.
There is no better feeling for me than being with an alcoholic that is sober. It fills me with a joy that is impossible to describe and I feel like i have come home and am wrapped in a warm blanket of love and that is the feeling I have now sat supporting my son but feeling prior to entering this group lost and with a pain in my throat unable to speak or know how to steer in any direction.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic.
My son started to drink at 15. I almost feel an alcoholic. That must seem a strange thing to say especially to the people that bravely attend the meetings who live with and confront this on a daily basis.
The hole that you have that you try to fill with addiction is the hole that I have from addiction that I cannot fill because I have failed.
I know the emptiness and pain so well I have lived it, I even tried it myself, I couldn't even manage to do that right either and it all became tangled inside somewhere and for some reason i am destined not to do the same but to walk alongside holding its hand treading the same path, to be tortured by it in a need to try and not only understand and live along it but to know intimately both sides of this journey. Daughter or son mother or father grandmother or grandfather and to feel enough pain to be able to either learn how to help myself and son or to steer and offer some crumb of comfort to others.
I am thankful to have staggered and I do feel I staggered in here and very nearly ran out It gave me a glimpse of the type of courage it must take for an alcoholic to walk into that first meeting. There is no judgement in this room, but there is the chance to be who you are an acceptance of you as you are and hope.
As i leave the meeting I feel numb Its like all the air in my lungs has collapsed I have not found salvation but truth the utter utter truth that I have always known but never accepted because I always thought It was my fault my mum died and if I tried even harder I can save my son but there is no answer I cannot change anything, I am not to blame, I cannot cure him. I am exhausted I cannot see any light.
The years of misery tumble behind me the pain and effort of a fight that was never mine.
I am in awe at the rawness and honesty of the people who have the courage to speak. They are strong even if they do not see it, they speak from a place many will never experience and from the heart . I thank you for your courage and hope that one day I can take heart and still the pain inside that is created by addiction. Thank you for your strength and your story.
