I wanted to title this Taken because that's what it felt like but no one would understand that title however I was literally taken. Called back by the head teacher tricked and hustled in the back of a car no explanations no choice.
The home was masquerading under a friendly name it was called Holmlea. A huge old house through gates with newer buildings tagged on throughout like a maze the foyer was impressive and a little forbidding consisting of dark wood paneling and a huge curved staircase. It wasnt a home though it's real name was a reception centre which described it perfectly. Like an airport you were stuck in waiting for what? Help? Love? The thing was you didn't know if or when a plane would arrive or even where the destination would be.
I was one of the youngest at 10 but there were about 45 children ranging from about 8 to 16 years of age.
It becomes apparent very quickly that there is an us and them atmosphere. Most of the children were probably from poor and neglected homes or there by unfortunate circumstances. Everyone of them hated authority in any guise and you quickly learned to keep their loyalties.
To say I was shocked would be a huge understatement I quickly disposed of any personality or characteristics that may make me unpopular and learned that the best way to fit in was to become quiet, to listen, copy and try and take in this strange new world with no parents or
communication outside of Holmlea.
I never expected to end up somewhere like this whether it was due to overly concern from well meaning neighbours or the school remains unknown but I have to say that my upbringing to that point may have been a little chaotic or different but I was thriving there, easily dealing with classes, dance and happy with support ( a freedom that was free to children in the 60s) and love in abundance. At the point I was taken into care I went backwards and spent the next 8 years trying to figure out who I was how I could succeed and waiting to be 18 and free again.
It's difficult to explain how it felt to be thrust into this world I look back and realise it was institutionalised. You had no personal items no wardrobe no choice. Your clothes were folded on a chair next to the bed in a dormitory and I remember crying quietly at night missing home and my friends. I learned about home made tattoos, hiding cigs, stashing anything away that could be, swopping pocket money with older kids who then looked out for you and how to forget the outside world and look for interest and love in hidden places like the homes cat in the cellars and her new kittens.
But there were times of closeness to others as I realised most of the children were sad and lonely and hadn't had as many chances is I had. It certainly gave me an insight into people and to this day I can pick up very quickly on a person's feelings.
I could almost write just about this time there is so much but I did experience something that would recur in an unusual way throughout the years. One night I wanted to use the toilet it must have been in the early hours. I was in the old part of the house which was very old and you had to walk across a corridor to a bathroom. As I left the bathroom I felt scared and looked to my right there was a man floating backwards away from me he looked like a cavalier. Wearing a large hat white collar and his face had a small moustache and beard. I ran and hid under my covers I didn't tell anyone but it stayed with me this experience.
The strange thing is over 40 years later I realised that this person in various forms over the years has visited me both in real life and art. He always signifies huge change and I've seen him 4 times. A ghostly apparition? An over active imagination? Im not sure but this person has definitely been a part of my life maybe in the past?but that's another story!
I met an old school friend a few years ago she was aghast and said everyone at school were so upset I was just taken and disappeared from their life it's hard to understand how the courts felt this kind of action could possibly be in the best interest of anyone....I hope times have changed but I'm not be sure they have.
Holmlea wasn't a bad place but it couldn't provide a warmth or love there wasn't anyone to scoop you up and reassure you when it was really needed. the second home was a different feel called Princess Street and this was to become my long term placement for the next 4 years.
